As a spouse, parent, or friend to someone with anxiety, it can be daunting or seemingly impossible to do or say the right thing to help your loved one. It may seem as though nothing you do can make a difference, and perhaps you might even feel as if your attempts to help only make the situation worse. Supporting a loved one with anxiety can be painful and sometimes frustrating if you are not sure where to begin. Although there is no secret formula for being a perfect support system, there are strategies to utilize, as well as traps to avoid to best show up for your anxious loved one.
It is crucial to understand the kind of anxiety your family is dealing with. The primary question to ask is whether their anxiety is acute or chronic. In other words, are there obvious circumstances that are underling their anxiety, or does their anxiety seem to persist regardless of what happens to be going on in their life?
If your loved one’s anxiety symptoms decrease and they are able to resume life as usual when the stressor passes, this is likely not chronic anxiety associated with a specific anxiety disorder. When helping a loved one with a short-term, situation specific anxiety episode, the primary goal is to get them through this season, and there are things you can do to help:
- Be empathetic: Always be willing to listen to your loved one vent or complain about the source of their anxiety. Before you rush in with solutions, be there for your loved one and assure them that you recognize their pain.
- Offer practical solutions: Once you have shown that you understand and have lent a listening ear, then you might decide it is appropriate to offer your help. Start with practical solutions such as taking small stressors off their plate.
- Encourage counseling: Counselors (who are different from clinical psychologists) are there to help individuals cope with the stress of daily life and offer guidance and support. Counseling can be especially helpful if you notice your loved one frequently struggles when stressors arise.
If your loved one always seems to be anxious regardless of their present circumstances, this could be a sign of chronic anxiety. In the case of chronic anxiety, the primary goal should be to gain the knowledge and skills to cope with an anxious brain in the long term. Although this is something that your loved one needs to do for themselves, here are two ways you can help them toward this goal:
- Encourage clinical interventions: While counseling can be a good solution for individuals undergoing transitions or who are in stressful seasons of life, individuals with chronic anxiety would most benefit from seeing a clinical psychologist. Clinical approaches are best suited for the diagnosis and treatment of anxiety disorders. The hallmark of a good clinical approach for anxiety will almost always involve the use of cognitive-behavioral therapy which is deemed as the gold standard of evidence-based therapeutic approaches.
- Don’t enable them: While it may be easier to bend to the will of your anxious loved one, these actions can reinforce the cause of their anxiety. For example, if your child asks to be excused from school because they are anxious, avoiding school denies the opportunity to learn that school is not a dangerous place.
While the goals for short-term and chronic anxiety may differ, there are also ways you can help your loved one regardless of the type of anxiety:
- Be educated on the signs and symptoms of anxiety. Be able to identify the difference between a stressful season and a chronic anxiety disorder. Also know when to help your loved one find counseling or clinical psychology interventions.
- Avoid stigmatizing: Creating a sense of shame around one’s anxiety will likely decrease their willingness to share their experiences with you, which will make it more difficult to offer help. Create a space where your loved one feels safe and shame free when discussing their anxiety.
- Never tell them to calm down. Telling someone to calm down sends the message that you believe their feelings are invalid. This has the potential to make their anxiety worse.
- Practice self-care and prioritizing your own needs whenever possible. Avoid the trap of absorbing your loved one’s pain, as it often leads to burn out. Setting boundaries and putting your own needs first will ensure you are in the right headspace to be a strong support system.